CAT’S EYE
**1/2
After the successful adaptations of his work by both visionary filmmakers (DePalma, Kubrick) and horror mainstays (Cronenberg, Hooper), and before Mick Garris and his made-for-tv schlockurama’s cornered the market, Stephen King found his novels (and short stories, and beat poetry, and grocery shopping lists) translated to the silver screen by a diverse group of cinephiles and degenerates! Cat’s Eye is one such adaptation, and for fans of 80’s cheese-cake, it’s essential viewing.
The barely cohesive plot concerns the misadventures of a besot-upon, grey, tabby cat named General as he’s spurred through the Big City (The Big City of Atlantic, New Jersey that is) by the disembodied spectral residue of Drew “Baby” Barrymore. It all has something to do with him saving her from an over-protective cat-hating mother and 5-inch tall jester toad troll thing, though the particulars of how Drew became a ghost temporarily and why she can speak telepathically to the cat, and who thought that using a first person cat POV as a framing device in the first place, remain wisely unexplored.
Let this be a lesson to you cult filmmakers of the future: never allow conventional notions of sense or logic to infect you’re bat-shit idea. If you know that ghosts are really hip right now, and it would be super scary if a creepy little girl ghost was speaking to a flabby tabby at the start of your picture even though you can’t for the life of you figure out how to tie it in, then fuckin’ add it in anyway man! You’re the filmmaker!! What do you care about effective linear foreshadowing or literary techniques like Chekov’s Gun?! How about the literary technique of Super Scary Ghost, am I right?! Anton Checkhov puh-leaze - more like Anton Jackoff! I read Three Sisters! That is three hours of my life I’m never getting back from that masturbatory pinko ruskie, and (brace yourself) NO ghosts! I was all like, “Maybe if Masha, or fuckin’ Olga Sergeyevna Prozorova and her cat saw a fuckin’ ghost or some shit, then oh, maybe I wouldn’t be fallin’ asleep yo!” But they didn’t and I did fall asleep. And I had a nightmare about ghosts and I was very happy. So like, really, film critics? Really? Explain the cat, Barrymore ghost thing? I’m sure it’s all made perfectly clear in The Dark Tower series anyway! How ‘bout you read a book before you come in here talkin’ ‘bout through-lines and plot holes you uncultured swine!*
Where was I? Oh yeah, so the adorable feline General is used as a framing device in this above-average anthology film! He wanders through both great and abysmal Stephen King short stories like “Quitters Inc.”, “The Ledge”, and “The General”. The former two come from King’s excellent short story book, Night Shift, though neither are out-and-out horror tales in the conventional sense. “Quitter’s Inc.” stars James Woods as a man forced to give up smoking, or it’s his wife’s life! It’s the kind of balls-to-the-wall cheese-mo performance you can’t help but love. (Watching Woods joyously sneak smokes on the freeway is a relatively quiet moment in an otherwise over-the-top film, yet it elicited some of the heartiest chortles I’ve had with the boob tube in ages. He really thinks he’s gotten away with it! “The Ledge” short (the middle segment of the film), by comparison, is just alright. It’s got the Airplane!/Homeward Bound dude in it, and is more boring than anything, despite a good performance turned in by veteran comic Alan King and some fun with pigeons. The final story brings the movie back to it’s ridiculous roots and features the final showdown between the cat and the animatronic troll thing, and sister, it’s a showdown worth seeing! The horror and gore in the picture are light, but in it’s place we are given an incredible tongue-in-cheek sentiment. The script frequently veers toward self-reference (within the first two minutes our feline friend is nearly disposed of by both Cujo and Christine), and wordplay (although the double entendre pecker is used twice. Either the screenwriter was lazy or found this pun hilarious. There are many funny dick jokes guys.)
Anyway, from the over-use of the Police Song “Every Breath You Take” down to the toad-like puppet beast, Cat’s Eye is a fun film and indicative of a type of horror picture seldom made any longer. Every time another torture-porn like Saw comes out, another “gritty” 1970’s exploitation flick is remade, or another Asian flick is re-apportioned and dumbed down for our American sentiments, I pine a bit for the 1980’s.
*This entire paragraph is basically a verbatim quote from director Lewis Teague. We were at this party, he was really wasted, or on Salvia, or something. I brought up the cat thing, it was a mistake, and I apologized. Nonetheless he set me straight. Thank you Lewis Teague. First 1980’s Alligator, and now a little bit-o-wisdom. I don’t deserve you.
- Jasper Oliver
September 17, 2009
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